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Now that the holidays are upon us, we have a friendly reminder: Body-shaming—and/or any general commentary about bodies, weight, or eating habits—isn’t just rude but actively damaging. You don't have to just take my word for it, either: Both scientists and mental health experts agree that this type of dialogue, no matter how “well intentioned,” doesn't help anyone. It does the opposite.
“Any comments about the body are harmful, especially for those struggling with body image or disordered eating,” Samantha DeCaro, PsyD, psychologist and director of clinical outreach and education at eating disorder recovery organization The Renfrew Center, tells Glamour. And yes, this includes snide observations about people not physically in the room and remarks meant as admiration, like “Have you lost weight?” and “You look so thin!”
This is because purported praise is oftentimes still hurtful and can come at the expense of someone's “former” self—which, by the way, is the same exact person. Who I am plus or minus 50 pounds is literally still me and equally deserving of love, compassion, and your interest. “It’s a reminder that their body is being noticed, assessed, and ultimately judged by you,” DeCaro says.
People are not “before” and “afters”; please stop treating them as such. And I, quite frankly, don't want to spend a celebratory meal hearing about your friend's friend's Ozempic journey.
As for why the holidays are the prime time to discuss this issue? Family members are most likely to body-shame. This isn't just anecdotal, either: According to research published in the International Journal of Obesity, 80% of the study participants, all of whom were WW users (formerly Weight Watchers), had been fat-shamed by family members—double that by friends.
After a decade of Kardashian-pushed BBLs and full-figured physiques, celebrities are now openly discussing and displaying rapid weight loss, heralding the return of extreme thinness in media. But as history has repeatedly shown us, treating bodies as commodities you can “try on” is damaging and dangerous—and frankly something we, as a society, should have already evolved past.
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It's unclear why family members feel so entitled, but one thing's for sure: It's not going to end how they want it to. Despite body-shamers insisting that they're “just trying to help”—thinking they're somehow inspiring their victims to become (their definition of) “healthier”—overwhelming evidence proves that, in reality, they're provoking a contradictory response.
“A common perception is that a little shame or stigma might motivate people to lose weight, but that is not what we see in research,” says Rebecca Puhl, lead writer and researcher on the study, who serves as deputy director at the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at the University of Connecticut. “In fact, when people experience weight stigma, this actually contributes to unhealthy eating behaviors [and] lower physical activity.” That and avoiding the doctor. All great things!
Thus it's probably best to turn your attention to something of actual substance, which theoretically should be easy. It's the first time everyone's gathered in a while, right? Aren't you curious about—I don’t know—how or what anyone's really doing, as opposed to how they look in a pair of jeans? No? No one? Oh, okay!
“The holidays are purported to be about family, yet exaggerated praise about weight loss, comments about clothes fitting tighter or needing to lose ‘the freshman 15’ over break change the focus to something much more harmful,” Kara Lissy, LCSW, a psychotherapist at A Good Place Therapy, says. “Food- and weight-centric comments take away from the real meaningful conversations, like ‘How was your vacation?’ and ‘Are you learning anything interesting at school?’”
In other words, those “kindhearted” comments can spoil perfectly good family time and the priceless opportunity to connect on a deeper level. For that, you don't get to blame smartphones.
January is meant to be a fresh start, but the month always looks the same: a 31-day-long barrage of New Year's weight-loss ads falsely promising a "new you." But research consistently shows that restrictive diets are not just ineffective but cause much more harm than good. We asked experts how to break the cycle.
As we’ve seen with the so-called almond mom phenomenon, however, some people prioritize thinness above all else. For them, there isn’t anything more worthy to consider. “Those who have been socialized as women in this culture have been absorbing and internalizing messages rooted in misogyny, diet culture, anti-fat bias, and the patriarchy for generations,” says DeCaro. “Women have been taught to believe their worth is measured by appearance, and that thinness reflects discipline, morality, achievement, health, and superiority.”
What’s more, DeCaro adds, is that social movements designed to reject this toxic ideology, such as the body positivity movement, didn’t really surface until the 1960s—so in the grand scheme of things, combatting fatphobia is relatively new. This means that it’s up to younger generations to dismantle this mentality and set boundaries with those who can’t (or don’t want to).
Fortunately, there are several ways to do this—and you can start preparing now. One recommendation? “Reach out to your family ahead of time to let them know you do not wish to talk about your body or eating habits, and the consequences if they do,” suggests Lissy. “For example, ‘If you talk about my body negatively, I will leave the conversation.’ Decide ahead of time what you will and will not put up with, and how you plan to confront it.”
Once you’ve set your boundary, practice with a therapist or a trusted friend. “Send them a draft of what you’ve written or role-play it in real time if it’s a conversation, and hold firm if and when it happens,” Lisst says. “The boundary sends no message if you don’t enforce it.” Be sure to make time for self-care immediately after: You may know you did the right thing for yourself, but it can still take an emotional toll.
She fixates on how little she's eaten and how much weight she's lost. She's obsessed with dieting. She comments when her children eat more like people than rabbits. Meet the almond mom.
If setting boundaries in advance feels too tough (which is okay!), you can redirect conversations about body appearance and weight by changing the subject in the moment instead. “Depending on how comfortable you feel around the people you’re with, a direct approach such as ‘I’m not really interested in talking about that right now, could we talk about something else?’ can work wonders,” says Lissy.
Another option? Simply explain how these comments make you feel. “You might share that you’re working on having a better relationship with food and your body, and that hearing comments like this makes that work harder,” advises DeCaro. It’s also perfectly fine to quickly change the subject, defuse with gentle but effective humor, or simply walk away.
Having an assigned support person can also be helpful in these moments—whether it’s someone who’s physically there, like a sibling or a cousin, or someone you text when you start feeling overwhelmed. DeCaro suggests asking this person to take periodic breaks outside with you, or check in with you throughout the event to make sure you’re okay.
Finally, here’s how to stop yourself from commenting on other people’s bodies. Lissy suggests asking yourself these three questions:
- Did this person ask for my opinion or advice?
- Is there a possibility that I could hurt someone’s feelings with what I want to say or ask?
- Is there another way I can connect with this person today?
Consider the answers to each, and modify your language accordingly.
“Avoid any direct or indirect comment that implies that a body is wrong or needs to be fixed; links body weight, shape, or size with health, morality, or character; or communicates that a body looks ‘better‘ or ‘worse’ in some way,” DeCaro says. “Take a ‘body neutral’ approach to yourself and with others by focusing less on physical aspects and more on interests, personality, and core values. This includes comments about your own body and the bodies of others.”
And if your family member still won't budge? Go ahead and send them this story.
Danielle Sinay is the associate beauty editor at Glamour. Follow her on Instagram @daniellesinay.
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